Idle Remorse

Review: Eagle Kingdoms

Review: Eagle Kingdoms
Publisher: Gamewright Incorporated
Year: 1994
Tagline: An Enchanting Game of Capturing Medieval Kingdoms

game cover

how we met

I found Eagle Kingdoms when passing through a thrift shop on the way to a wine tasting. The cover is funny; it does not really do a great job of indicating what the game is like. Looking at the back, though, you will learn that the game includes a felt game board template, which would be my first ever felt game board template. How could I pass it up?

felt game board template outlining eagle shape

My first felt game board template!

how it plays

At the risk of using a probably-already-used quip, Eagle Kingdoms really puts the die in Medieval. This is a dice chucker through and through and through. Here’s how it works.

First you lay out the felt game board template, which has outlines of a large eagle. There are 46 cardboard game pieces that match each section of the eagle and are marked with dice combinations. Once those are placed on the board, a medieval character is placed at random on each of the different game pieces except the shield center.

felt board with pieces in place

The felt board with the eagle pieces in place

Now gameplay begins. Each player rolls both of the dice. If their dice combination matches one of the available eagle puzzle pieces, they take that medieval character into their kingdom and discard the eagle puzzle piece. Only external eagle puzzle pieces can be won; if a piece is locked in by one or more other pieces then it is not available yet.

If your first roll each turn is not successful you may roll both dice again or choose to roll the 8-sided ENCHANTED DIE. If your second roll is not successful then your turn is over. If you choose the ENCHANTED DIE your roll may allow you to steal a character from another player, give one of yours up to another player, trade with a player, lose a character to the center shield, etc. It’s a whole lot of good, bad and ugly.

Medieval characters have numbers assigned to them indicating their roles. Kings are 10’s, Queens are 9’s, etc. There are three jesters in the game that have no assigned point value but allow you to trade in your turn in order to capture any existing character on the board and replace it with the jester.

Example characters

An example kingdom

If you roll double 6’s you must forfeit your highest point character to the center shield. Once you have picked away at the eagle until only the center shield remains, it likely has several characters on it due to previous gameplay. You must roll the dice and get equal to or more than the total number of characters on the shield (not their points). If you are successful then you capture all characters on the center shield.

This ends the game and all players add up the points of the medieval characters in their respective kingdoms. If you were able to get one of each (easily indicated by their point values from 1 to 10) then that group is worth 70 points which equates to their value plus 15 bonus points. The player with the most points wins!

how it went

Eagle Kingdoms invites you to read up on the history of the making of the game, and it’s pretty interesting. The instruction booklet talks about old customs of marksmanship called “Bird Shoots” where large wooden birds were created out of several different pieces, very similar to our felt eagle friend. Marksmen would in turn shoot off parts of the bird, working their way toward the center. The person to shoot off the center won great prizes and was titled the “Bird King.” This introduction warmed me to the game.

I played Eagle Kingdoms a couple of times, once with 2 players and once with our regular 4 player group. Both games were quite different.

Overview of the board with player leaning down frowning

Our gameplay plus John in a rare cry for help. Just ignore him

With two players, it was fairly easy to collect one of each character. We each got bonus points for that and ultimately had a very close game. However the gameplay was quite long. As the game progresses, you are stuck with only a few dice combinations that result in a new character. Bill and I eventually stopped handing the dice back and forth and just tracked “Your throw 1. Your throw 2. My throw 1. My throw 2. Your throw 1.” It was pretty awful. If you are unlucky enough to get stuck with a poor dice combo then you are stuck with it until someone rolls it.

Our four player game went fairly quickly, especially as compared to the two player game. The most time-consuming part of the game is looking for the dice combinations. With two players this took much more time than with four. Having more eyeballs sped up the game considerably.

And do not be fooled by the gentle pink hue of the ENCHANTED DIE. In both of our games this option was rarely used. I don’t think it ever resulted in a positive outcome for any of the gamblers that gave it a go. It’s worth doing early on when you have little to lose, but we all became once bitten twice shy pretty quickly.

Enchanted die on agates

The ENCHANTED DIE. If you look closely you can see how the salty tears have worn it down over the years

play or pass

Pass. I personally think the BGG comments are a tad unfair to this game. It’s not horrible. But yes the dice rolling can drag on, especially with fewer players, and your success is driven by the luck of your roll. Being crowned “Bird King” ain’t what it used to be.

Review: Pick-Up Lines

Review: Pick-Up Lines
Publisher: Pressman
Year: 2005
Tagline: The game that brings out the daring in everyone!

Pick-Up Lines cover

how we met

Buying this game for a couple of dollars was a no brainer for me. I love party games, I love pick-up lines and I love cocktails. Bonus: it was unpunched, perhaps unplayed.

how it plays

Pick-Up Lines takes a familiar party game angle where one player is the judge, and that role rotates from player to player as the rounds continue. In this game, each player has a plastic olive and martini glass in front of them. A cocktail shaker is in the middle of the table.

On their turn, the judge draws a card and chooses one of the pick-up lines to read out loud. Players then write their best responses on the provided red papers, roll the papers up into a tube, stick the paper into their olive (now resembling a pimento olive) and place it into the cocktail shaker.

Pouring an olive into the shaker

A failed action shot of pouring the olive into the cocktail shaker

When all players have contributed their clever olives, the judge shakes the cocktail shaker and pours a random olive to each player. Then each player in turn opens their olive and reads the response. The judge chooses their favorite, awarding the author of the response two kiss tokens and the reader one kiss token.

Close up of the kiss tokens

A close up of the kiss tokens

The first player to collect ten kiss tokens wins!

how it went

When I looked at the back of the box and saw the novelty of the olives, cocktail shaker and martini glasses I was sold. But I’m also practical. I assumed we would use these things for one to three turns before abandoning them to a more sensible approach. But we used those items the entire time! We rolled up those papers and stuck them into the olives each time, we shook the shaker each time, we poured the shaker into the glasses each time. And it wasn’t annoying!

Martini glass with olive and lip counters

My martini glass with a couple of points and an olive waiting to be read

I enjoyed Pick-Up Lines. It can be a bit challenging, though. When you are trying to be funny on cue and focus on puns, it can be difficult to pull a great answer out of your hat. Because of this we sometimes fell back on inside jokes.

Sample pick-up line cards

Example pick-up lines. Don’t ask me why they used multiple fonts

Here are a couple of the answers I recall so you know how lame and depraved we can be:

If you were a dog, what breed of dog would you be?
A shih-tzyou are looking fine today.

If you were a spice, what kind of spice would you be?
Ballsil

play or pass

Play. I don’t think this game is for everyone, but I love the novelty junk that comes with it and the challenge of responding to pick-up lines. I never had so much fun hitting on my friends.

FUN FACT: The most ridiculous pick-up line that I have ever received in real-life was from a gentleman at a bar who asked, “Are you a stripper or you just could be?” What are your favorite pick-up lines that you have used or received?

Review: The Miss America Pageant Game

Review: The Miss America Pageant Game
Publisher: Parker Brothers
Year: 1974
Tagline: (none)

Game cover showing three girls playing

how we met

I met The Miss America Pageant Game at an estate sale on Day 2 (50% off day). I found the game in the basement amongst all of the Christmas decorations that also had not sold. I had never heard of the game before and happily picked it up with nothing but $1 and the highest of hopes.

how it plays

The Miss America Pageant Game is a spin and move game where your goal is to promote your pageant gals through the ranks from contestant to semi-finalist to finalist to Miss America! You do this by spinning the spinner and moving around the board landing on spaces tied to Swimsuit, Talent, Personality and Evening Gown competitions.

Pile of several girl contestants

Girls, girls, girls

This spinner takes the shape of a television camera, a purple one, pointing down towards the table from up above it.

As a contestant, your goal is to gather one of each of the Swimsuit, Talent, Personality and Evening Gown cards. The cards themselves list the score that you will receive in that particular competition, which you can keep a secret from your fellow players until the semi-finalist round. You can have as many of these cards as you happen to land on, but as soon as you have at least one of each then you move that pawn to a semi-finalist position along with her cards.

Example cards of each category

Card examples for you, an all American girl

A few of the cards do not award points but just send your pawn immediately to the semi-finalist round with whatever cards you have (if any).

After placing a semi-finalist you simply choose another contestant from the pile and begin again. When the last of the three semi-finalists is placed then players add up the points of the semi-finalist cards and the pawn with the highest points moves to a finalist spot, which is one of the flat spaces on the weird, white flower-looking plastic piece at the base of the television camera. The other semi-finalists are banished from the game and all cards are returned to the bottoms of their respective decks.

Rinse and repeat. Once all five finalist spaces are filled then things really get anticlimactic. Players spin the spinner, and the first finalist that the spinner points to gets last place. Then it is spun again and the next finalist is next-runner up. This continues until one lucky pawn has not had the camera point at them. That pawn is Miss America and the player that controls that pawn is the winner!

how it went

Spinners are tough, right? If only they took the pointer in the spinner and lifted it into the air about two inches, then we could really learn to appreciate definitive things in life like coin flips and die rolls. The spinner has a small plastic piece that sticks out at the base to try and make reading the outcome easier, but its help was limited. The spinner is also placed to one side of the board rather than the center, probably to avoid blocking the semi-finalist view, so no one has a really good perspective of the far side of the spinner.

All that being said, this is The Miss America Pageant Game and you move by spinning a plastic, purple camera. Wonderfully on theme.

The television camera spinner

Is it a television camera? Is it a spinner? It’s both!

John of course managed to push the limits of the ridiculousness of the game. He had one contestant with an actual pile of cards, but who was ever-searching for an evening gown. It was almost sad and real and poetic. She was so strong in three of the four categories, and that just wasn’t good enough. She did finally find a gown, though, and was probably the most formidable semi-finalist this game had ever seen. And that mattered for exactly one moment to get her into a finalist spot.

Semi-finalist with several cards

John’s superstar semi-finalist can be seen on the right. Even the light favors her.

I have heard criticism of games where people say, “You might as well have just rolled a die at the beginning to see who wins.” Those people need a more fun game group, but this is the first game that made me wonder if I agree with that statement.

If you think finding the winner out of five finalists means four spins then you are sadly mistaken, dear reader. The finalists might be out of the running as they get targeted by that mean television camera, and you can even physically move them, but you still have five spots remaining and fewer of them are relevant. You have to spin enough times that the outcome is final.

So in summary, in order to win your pawn has to have successfully gathered all of the right cards, got the most amount of points in their semi-finalist round and then been lucky enough to get zero camera time through an endless series of spins for the crown.

play or pass

Pass. One of the things that bugged me about The Miss America Pageant Game was the seeming abandonment of the theme at the end. It makes no sense for camera time to put a finalist out of the running, or that the camera focuses on a finalist and then she is toast. Or that the winner is complete chance. I think even something as simple as each finalist spinning and then drawing that number of random cards and adding up the points at least gives some semblance of their performance behind it.

Review: The Family Ties Game

Review: The Family Ties Game
Publisher: AppleStreet
Year: 1986
Tagline: Play along with the Keatons for family fun.

Family Ties cover

how we met

The Family Ties Game is one of the many board games dug out of the basement of a shop near me (see Barnabas Collins game review). The box is in really rough shape and may have spent summers camping outside at one point, and with a low SPF. The board is massively warped to the extent that it sometimes affects your dice roll. But the game is complete and from 1986 and about Family Ties. Of course I bought it.

how it plays

In The Family Ties Game you are a Keaton that wants to surprise your family with a professional family photo! Your goal is to end one of your turns with each of your six family members in your hand as well as $100 to pay the photographer. Then you win!

Our play

Our play

Here’s the catch. Your neighbor Skippy is dealt to one of the players at the beginning of play and can’t be discarded. Your hand limit is six, so as long as you have Skippy you have a problem.

Skippy card

Skippy, presumably fresh from a spray tan

Each player starts the game with six SAY CHEESE cards, which is a card representing one of the family, and $50. The game itself is roll and move, where different spaces on the board may cause you to draw a SAY CHEESE card, a family member, or a DON’T BLINK card which can do any number of things but is often painful. Some DON’T BLINK cards can be held in hand and played as a Gotcha on another player. Other spaces on the board will get you money, others will take it away.

Say Cheese cards

SAY CHEESE cards. Are these images starting to look familiar yet?

Don't Blink cards

DON’T BLINK cards

Landing on the image of one of the family allows you to steal a card (sight unseen) from any player you choose. I hope you know where Skippy is, you fool! Landing on the Skippy space causes you to unload him on a player of your choice if you have him or take custody of him if you do not have him.

And what roll and move with paper money would be complete without the obligatory go-like space that allows you to collect money when you pass it? In the case of this game, you get $10 allowance. And the game includes a free-parking-variant-like space called Lottery. Most times you pay in, sometimes you hit the jackpot!

how it went

We played this game after a long dinner at a Wisconsin supper club involving impractical coats, glittery lipsticks, turtlenecks with blazers, costume jewelry and peach eye shadow. And a Night Court t-shirt. We had all the ingredients for a fun evening, and The Family Ties Game was our closer.

The most amazing thing about The Family Ties Game is that the publisher seems to have gotten the rights to two photos to make the game. Literally two photos. And one of them is just Skippy. Their prize photo is used on the game cover, on the play money, on the game board, on the Say Cheese cards and all of the pawns are just cropped versions of the same photo. Our working theory is that the designers spite-designed the game after getting so few photo rights a la, “Oh you give me ONE photo? OK then the game concept is about taking a photo! And I will plaster my one photo on every flat surface!”

Family Ties money

I guess, why wouldn’t the picture be on the money?

The intro of the show that I remember best centers around a painting, but many of the later seasons focused on a photograph of the family instead. By focus I mean about six seconds of air-time. It does not seem to be a central plot-point for the show in general, and I feel pretty good about our theory. My attempts to learn more about AppleStreet, the publisher, were limited and ultimately led nowhere.

Anyway I had a lot of fun playing this game. I started in such good shape; I think my initial draw of six cards had five unique family members. But there’s a long way to go to meet winning conditions so your hand almost doesn’t matter until near the end.

The Skippy as a hot potato was a fun concept. Apparently my Skippy card’s blue background is very slightly different from the other cards, which is unfortunate. From one side of the table where the light was right you could make out which of a player’s cards were Skippy. From the other side of the table there was no way to tell as the cards were more shadowed. So we had to resort to closed-eye drawing once we figured that out. No biggie.

Face down Say Cheese cards

Which one is Skippy?

There is a ton of stealing cards and forced discards in the game. It is fun to come to terms with not getting attached to what is in your hand, ever.

play or pass

Play for sure! Our game went a bit long perhaps, but I cry-laughed at least once and we gained an entire new term for our gaming – Skippy! We were recently playing Arkham Horror and Keri rolled so poorly that all of my instincts wanted to hand her a Skippy card. Instead I heard Bill tell her, “Don’t get lippy, Skippy.” That’ll do.

Review: Mr. Bacon’s Big Adventure

Review: Mr. Bacon’s Big Adventure
Publisher: Archie McPhee
Year: 2009
Tagline: It’s a Mad Dash Through Meatland on Your Way to the Frying Pan!

Mr. Bacon's Big Adventure cover

how we met

The closest town to me has a thrift shop that I visit on a fairly regular basis. This small-town shop gets its fair amount of valuable, obscure, vintage and modern games. I never know what I will find when I stop there. This time, I found Mr. Bacon’s Big Adventure. For half off of 99 cents. What could go wrong?

Mr. Bacon in a hot dog house

Mmmm salty

how it plays

Mr. Bacon’s Big Adventure is a spin and move game that is essentially a re-skinning of Candy Land. On their turn, a player spins the spinner and moves to the next space on the board matching the meat that they landed on. Alternatively the player will draw a card if they land on draw a card.

Spinner close up

A close up of the spinner

Cards may cause your pawn to move, cause other pawns to move, send your pawn to a specific location on the board, etc. Locations offer some gross/fascinating environments based on the meat they represent. But beware the “deceptive detour” of Vegan Alley!

Sample cards

Sample cards

As pawns move along the board they may also encounter slides made out of – you guessed it – bacon. These bacon slides provide a shortcut forward.

Bacon slide

It is what it is. It is a bacon slide

The first player to reach the end of the board, throw themselves into the frying pan and shuffle off their raw porcine coil wins!

Game board

The long and winding road to the frying pan

how it went

I have no memory of having ever played Candy Land in my youth so I figured I was due. Mr. Bacon’s Big Adventure looks cool, but ugh. However our group can’t really complain; our play took about 5-7 minutes because I almost immediately got a card sending me to sail on the Sausage Sea – the location 2nd nearest the frying pan – and continued to spin lucky and avoid any pitfalls. I was in that frying pan in moments. And Mr. Bacon was back in the thrift cycle within hours.

I rarely win our games. I’ll take it.

Bacon in a frying pan

Check me out!

The official rules offer a variant requiring you to have obscene amounts of meat on hand so you can eat different types as you encounter them. My game group does a lot of silly things, but we did not do that.

play or pass

Yeah, pass. Most of you likely would not have purchased Mr. Bacon’s Big Adventure even for 50 cents. I regret nothing. If you are looking to purchase the game for yourself or the bacon-lover in your life, it is still in print and available at Archie McPhee’s website!

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